I have been awake for a long time, probably 2 hours or more. Yes, that means I have been up since before 5 am on a Saturday, and it wasn't because of one of my kids. Ugh!!! I am not sure why but lately I have had major insomnia in the mornings and find that this has been typical of my past week, regardless of the time I go to bed. Yes, it means I am exhausted during the day and ready for bed at 7 pm the next night, but surprisingly, I have actually grown to love this quiet time to myself, where I feel alert and alive and can just meditate and think about things and do things that I want to do in peace and silence.
Today I have been pondering about life and the trials we get and how some seem so unfair for some, others seem like those we would wish would be our own or could trade the ones we don't like in for, and how it seems that when it rains it pours, or there are also periods of our lives where it actually seems easy (do I dare say that), and trial-free. I like those times, although I realize that those are not the times I find growth. The times I grow the most spiritually and gain the greatest perspective on things are often the times I find hard, the times that in the moment I wish would just go away, the days that seem hard, or unbearable, or that I just want to be over before they have even started. These times make us stronger, and in looking back I am always grateful, but are hard in the enduring of them.
I also have been thinking how we often want what others have, and yet others want what we have, and we often forget that. Maybe it is that we want to be skinnier like that friend, or maybe it is the desire to have a family like that mom, or maybe we wish we could be living where that family member is living, or be rich like that friend is. Maybe we wish we were prettier like that person, or maybe a little taller, or shorter. We all have desires, and sometimes the grass seems greener on the other side. However, what we don't realize is the person or people that we wish we could trade with, has their trials too....and probably wishes they were more like us in some way. I guess what I realized is that really no one has a perfect life, and that although we might not see others trials or realize their hardships, they are there, and we just don't see what others are going through. I was thinking about this a lot earlier this week as I was talking to my mom and she was telling me about a friend who is battling cancer right now. This woman is so tiny her goal weight is just to hit 100 lbs., and most likely she won't be able to. I was thinking to myself, 'man, wouldn't it be awesome to have to gain weight?' I wish I had that problem. Then, as I further thought about it later that morning I was brought to humility as I was walking around upstairs, getting ready for the day. As I did my hair and was putting on my makeup it hit me. I may not be at my ideal weight, but man am I so lucky to have the body I do. I am healthy, I can do things for myself, I can play with my kids and go places and run and jump and dance. I can enjoy life, even when I might not be the size 2 that a lot of my friends are. I thought of this sweet woman who now struggles to even walk 10 feet, and how she would switch bodies with me probably in a second if it meant it gave her the health and strength to do the things that she loves to do, to run and help her 4 kids, and enjoy life the way she used to. I thought of other things that I wished I could change, that I wished weren't a part of me, and each time I then thought of someone who probably would switch me for my situation in a heartbeat and yet their struggle is something I am actually blessed with. I was brought to tears, and although I know I will still struggle with certain things and still wish I could change things, I felt in that moment that Heavenly Father loves me and has a plan for me and he knows what I can handle and what I need to push me to be better. He doesn't give each of us anything we can't handle, and so I need to be more grateful for the things I do have, and a little more patient in my trials or struggles.
Sometimes the Lord has timing that we just don't understand. We might look back and see it years from now, but in the moment it is so overwhelming and consuming nothing else seems to matter and we can think of hardly anything else. That is how I have felt this past week. I have had something consuming my mind and pretty much taking over my life. Every time I turn around I find my thoughts are there with this one thing, and yet I am just looking at it as one thing. I am not seeing the big picture and trying to understand better what my plan is. Today, early this morning as I sit here typing, listening to the quiet in my house as my family is sleeping, however, I have a different outlook and perspective. I am so grateful for my blessings and for my Heavenly Fathers plan. I am overwhelmed not with what I thought earlier this week was going to be such a big trial for me, but I am overwhelmed with the outpouring of love I am feeling from a Heavenly Father who has put his trust in me in ways only time will help me understand. I am grateful for this moment, and I know that this next week will be better. May we all realize how blessed we are and how much potential each of us holds. And now that I have babbled my thoughts and feelings out there, I think I better head off to the gym for an early morning sweat session!!! Have a great Saturday!!!