Coming Full Circle!!!

Lately I have been thinking a LOT about being a mommy.  I have been thinking about what it really means to me, why I like it, why I have kids, what is hard about it, what is fun, why I love my children, how fast they grow, what it will be like to be in the next phase of life where I am more of a soccer mom and less of a burp cloth and diaper changer (sometimes it feels like this will never end), how lucky I am to just be able to be a mom and have 3 of the most wonderful children ever sent to me and entrusted in my care.  I feel blessed, lucky, tired, exhausted, frustrated (especially with disciplining my 4 year old lately and how my once angel child has now become my toughest one it seems to manage - so any ideas on this would be much appreciated!), but overall just blessed.  I remember in a RS lesson once the teacher talking about how our kids are just on loan to us and we are entrusted to take care of these wonderful little spirits, and then we have to give them back to our Heavenly Father.  This idea of having them on loan to us and being loved by a Heavenly Father so much that he would let us raise his little spirits hit me and has helped me to try to become a better parent.  I often find myself thinking about it when I am upset or ready to yell at my children.  Sometimes it really helps, and other times I listen to my inner crazy self and just give in to yelling.  This brings me to actually my whole purpose in writing this post.

Above in the picture is my beautiful and sweet little 4 month old Ivy Jane.  Today, while the boys are out at the Halloween Costume store she and I stayed home so I could take a shower (yes a first in a few days this week unless you count swimming;) and just have some rest.  As she started screaming in her jumparoo telling me she was done and to hurry up and wash the conditioner out of my hair and get her out, at first I was frustrated.  I wanted just 5 more minutes of time to soak up the water and really enjoy the quiet.  However, as soon as I picked up my little infant she stopped crying and put her arms around me as if to give me a hug.  She snuggled her little nose into my neck as if to kiss me, and then she just lay there in my arms.  I took her in, realizing it was past nap time and laid her on her blanket to bundle her up and get her binky.  I set her down and she screamed, and yet as soon as I had her in my arms again in the blanket and her binky in her mouth she once again calmed down and was just staring at me.  We walked into her room and I sat in the rocking chair and we rocked.  She looked up, smiled, and then her little eyes started to flutter and she was out almost instantly.  I sat there rocking her, taking a few pictures of the moment to help me really remember when I am otherwise too upset or busy or wanting to get to the next thing or next child that is yelling and wanting my attention - why I LOVE being a mommy.  Why all of this is worth it everyday, and why only getting a 5 minute rushed shower is ok.  Because I LOVE it! I love it all - even the hard days because that is what life is all about - family, and time!  Things don't matter, money doesn't matter, dishes can wait, FB doesn't need my attention as much, Instagram pictures can wait, but my family matters! And I LOVE them with ALL of my HEART!!!  I truly love my life as a mommy.  And I love that I have my kids at young ages right now where I get to control them and be with them all the time and they are all mine -- at least for right now!  I wish sometimes that they could stay young forever, but since they can't I am going to enjoy my time I do have with them under my care 24/7.   This brings me to my next thought.

2 days ago as we were driving home from AZ to Cali I was talking to my mom on the phone.  I talk to her a LOT nowadays.  I call her for recipes, for advice, for help, for just chatting, even to help me not yell and so she can talk to my children when I am just too mad at them (yes I did this last week and she did help both me and my child), for pretty much everything.  I feel like once again in my life I am at a phase where I am constantly needing her and although she can't rock me to sleep like I do with my little girl, she is every bit as much influencing me and showing me love and teaching just as I am doing with my own little baby girl.  Well, for the first time ever, or at least in a really long time, I got to be of a little bit of help to her.  We were talking and she was telling me things and she told me about how she was sad about something.  Then she told me what it was and she was crying.  She wasn't really sad, because it was for something happy too, but something that was a change and was hard and made her a little sad in the moment.  I felt sympathy for her, and although she couldn't see me (I am glad for once) I was driving with tears running down my face as it hit me that some day I will be in her place - and I felt for her.  It was different for me to be able to be the one with my shoulder for her to cry on for once instead of vice versa, but it was nice.  I wish I could have just been there and given her the big hug that I wanted too.  It hit me once again that this is what life is all about - family, and time, and that we really don't have that much of it raising the little spirits entrusted in our care and so we do need to take such good care of them and love them and teach them and enjoy every second we have with them, both good and bad.  I was happy to be able to talk to my mom and for once help her feel better as she so often does for me.  It made me realize the circle of family is endless.  

We have good times, we have bad times, we have times we rely on each other more or our mommies need to attend to every need until we can stand on our own feet and become independent.  We then have times where we don't rely on our mommies so much and we rely on others or ourselves and make our own choices and learn things our own ways, sometimes even the hard ways, until we realize once again we need them and they are wiser and will always be there to love us and help us.  Then we realize we are too old to be rocked to sleep and babied, but it sure is nice when we go for visits and they can baby us and help us and take over and we get that pampering we thought we didn't want for even just a few days.  Then, not often but when we are lucky enough, we might get those moments where our mommy needs us and we can be there for her every once in awhile and pay her back for all those years and hours of service she gave us, even if it is only in the car, over the phone, being a listening ear for a few short moments like mine was.  And we can feel happy and have our hearts burst with joy that we could be there for her like she has always been for us.  I love you my mommy and am so grateful for all the love you have showed me over the years, and was so happy to get to be there for you the other day!  You are the best mom in the world!

And that is what I have realized more than anything lately!  I am SO GRATEFUL for an eternal family that like a circle never ends and will always be there for me, even if not physically here, and me for them!  I love being a mommy and the blessings it has brought me and the lessons it has taught me!

 And I am grateful for the quiet moment today when I got to rock my baby to sleep and just watch her and think of what her future holds and tell her how much I love her.  And as she smiled in her sleep I told myself it was her way of telling me she loved me too!