Early Morning Thoughts

I have been awake for a long time, probably 2 hours or more. Yes, that means I have been up since before 5 am on a Saturday, and it wasn't because of one of my kids. Ugh!!! I am not sure why but lately I have had major insomnia in the mornings and find that this has been typical of my past week, regardless of the time I go to bed. Yes, it means I am exhausted during the day and ready for bed at 7 pm the next night, but surprisingly, I have actually grown to love this quiet time to myself, where I feel alert and alive and can just meditate and think about things and do things that I want to do in peace and silence.

Today I have been pondering about life and the trials we get and how some seem so unfair for some, others seem like those we would wish would be our own or could trade the ones we don't like in for, and how it seems that when it rains it pours, or there are also periods of our lives where it actually seems easy (do I dare say that), and trial-free. I like those times, although I realize that those are not the times I find growth. The times I grow the most spiritually and gain the greatest perspective on things are often the times I find hard, the times that in the moment I wish would just go away, the days that seem hard, or unbearable, or that I just want to be over before they have even started. These times make us stronger, and in looking back I am always grateful, but are hard in the enduring of them.

I also have been thinking how we often want what others have, and yet others want what we have, and we often forget that. Maybe it is that we want to be skinnier like that friend, or maybe it is the desire to have a family like that mom, or maybe we wish we could be living where that family member is living, or be rich like that friend is. Maybe we wish we were prettier like that person, or maybe a little taller, or shorter. We all have desires, and sometimes the grass seems greener on the other side. However, what we don't realize is the person or people that we wish we could trade with, has their trials too....and probably wishes they were more like us in some way. I guess what I realized is that really no one has a perfect life, and that although we might not see others trials or realize their hardships, they are there, and we just don't see what others are going through. I was thinking about this a lot earlier this week as I was talking to my mom and she was telling me about a friend who is battling cancer right now. This woman is so tiny her goal weight is just to hit 100 lbs., and most likely she won't be able to. I was thinking to myself, 'man, wouldn't it be awesome to have to gain weight?' I wish I had that problem. Then, as I further thought about it later that morning I was brought to humility as I was walking around upstairs, getting ready for the day. As I did my hair and was putting on my makeup it hit me. I may not be at my ideal weight, but man am I so lucky to have the body I do. I am healthy, I can do things for myself, I can play with my kids and go places and run and jump and dance. I can enjoy life, even when I might not be the size 2 that a lot of my friends are. I thought of this sweet woman who now struggles to even walk 10 feet, and how she would switch bodies with me probably in a second if it meant it gave her the health and strength to do the things that she loves to do, to run and help her 4 kids, and enjoy life the way she used to. I thought of other things that I wished I could change, that I wished weren't a part of me, and each time I then thought of someone who probably would switch me for my situation in a heartbeat and yet their struggle is something I am actually blessed with. I was brought to tears, and although I know I will still struggle with certain things and still wish I could change things, I felt in that moment that Heavenly Father loves me and has a plan for me and he knows what I can handle and what I need to push me to be better. He doesn't give each of us anything we can't handle, and so I need to be more grateful for the things I do have, and a little more patient in my trials or struggles.

Sometimes the Lord has timing that we just don't understand. We might look back and see it years from now, but in the moment it is so overwhelming and consuming nothing else seems to matter and we can think of hardly anything else. That is how I have felt this past week. I have had something consuming my mind and pretty much taking over my life. Every time I turn around I find my thoughts are there with this one thing, and yet I am just looking at it as one thing. I am not seeing the big picture and trying to understand better what my plan is. Today, early this morning as I sit here typing, listening to the quiet in my house as my family is sleeping, however, I have a different outlook and perspective. I am so grateful for my blessings and for my Heavenly Fathers plan. I am overwhelmed not with what I thought earlier this week was going to be such a big trial for me, but I am overwhelmed with the outpouring of love I am feeling from a Heavenly Father who has put his trust in me in ways only time will help me understand. I am grateful for this moment, and I know that this next week will be better. May we all realize how blessed we are and how much potential each of us holds. And now that I have babbled my thoughts and feelings out there, I think I better head off to the gym for an early morning sweat session!!! Have a great Saturday!!!

The Grey Fedora Hat

This weekend we went down to Richmond so I could attend a baby shower for this cute girl! My cousin Lindsey is due with her first baby, a little boy, on Nov. 25, 2011 --- and if he comes that day his birthday will be sandwiched btw his moms and Chips - how fun!!! She hasn't been sick at all, SO LUCKY and SO UNFAIR!!! She is doing great and got so much cute stuff at this shower that her little man will be the stylin little dude around town! Loved catching up and getting to spend a little time with her, Chels, and aunt Suzi!!!

While I was at the shower, Chip took the boys to the mall and picked Cash up a little something!!!

He was SOOOO excited about this "grey fedora hat"!!! We saw it last week when we were in Richmond and it was love at first sight for Cash. He put it on in the store, then walked around and checked himself out in each mirror! He wanted it so badly, and yet when I found out it was not on sale and was almost $20, I just couldn't get myself to buy it. I thought he would probably not care about it 30 minutes later and would never really wear it!!! Well, upon leaving the store with no hat, and no temper tantrum either from Cash (altho a quivering chin and 1 small tear escaping his eyes as he was trying to be big an brave and not cry.....SO sad, the temper tantrum would have been much easier to say no to!) we went to a few other stores. About 20 minutes later he said to my brother "I am just so mad." Kevin, "why you so mad Cash"? Cash: "I am so mad I didn't get the grey fedora hat. Mom said no cuz it wasn't on sale!"

Well, we called Chip and I told him if he asked his dad and he said yes that he could have it! Chip got out of answering by saying he thought Uncle Kev might be able to loan him the money. So it went, and I thought by the time we got home from the hour drive and it was late and he was tired it would just get forgotten.

The next morning, however, at 7 am Cash came running in our room, jumped on the bed and said "mom, let's go to our mall. Let's go check at our mall at Gap to see if they have the grey fedora hat - it might be on sale here!" Oh boy, I thought, and here it goes again. If I have to listen to this for the next 6 months like I did about Buzz Lightyear it might just drive me crazy (crazier than I already am!) Well, I heard about it ALL morning, for like 5 hours straight, and since we were headed by the mall anyways I said we could check. I had looked it up online to show Chip what it was he was so obsessed about and it had actually gone down a few bucks. Anyways, we got there and searched everywhere and they only had one hat - and it was too big! Bummer! Or Phew!

Needless to say it was a much easier exit leaving the store, but the ranting and talking about it continued so Chip worked out some chores Cash could do for me to earn money to get his "grey fedora hat" as he always refers to it by, and told him that if he did them each day this weekend when we went to Richmond we could see if it was still there and he could get it. Well, he did his part, and we talked about it daily!!! And so while I was at the shower, the boys went to the mall and found it and got it. Cash loves it, and has hardly taken it off since! He is pretty cute I must say in it!!!

Happy new owner of the "grey fedora hat"!

It was a little warm to be wearing it, but he didn't mind, and got lots of looks in the stores. Here in Costco these two were showing some brotherly love and I just had to get a pic!

They really do love each other!!!

Conked out on the way home, but still wearing the hat!

Still styling!

My artsy old style take on this! Gotta love how it matches his outfit so well :)

On Sunday he even thought he would wear it to church. Took about 5 minutes in the parking lot for Chip to explain he couldn't wear it inside - only girls do that! After, he put it right back on during the ride home and then it was on most the day - a fun vid of it and baseball! Gotta watch both videos, as the first he manages to not hit the ball - maybe the hat interfered?!

Withdrawals!!!

From this little guy for mom!!!

Cash came in this morning to our bed at 7 am telling us that he was going to pre-school today all on his own - mom could just drop him off and he would not cry and he would be nice and listen to the teacher and just miss us til we came back! (yes, he did REALLY say all that!)

He was so excited.....and I would say that I was too.....altho once he was gone and Griff and I set out with our plans of having an easier shopping trip - it felt like something was missing. I actually missed him being with us and the funny things he says and brings up on all of our outings. He sees the world differently and it is fun to hear what is going on in his head and get to see the world through his eyes! (most of the time anyways!)

He had a great first day and I loved picking him up because when he saw me he came running over and said "momma, I had SUCH A GOOD DAY! Pre-school is SO fun!" He had the biggest smile and couldn't wait to tell us about the painting, playing, and reading "I like myself". Seems like it is going to be a pretty fun year for him!

Do I really have a 3 year old? Where has the time gone?

One of my favorite pics!

Griff missed his big bro too I think!

He LOVES Cash!

A pic of the boys over the weekend....my brother nicely babysat the boys all morning while we were out getting the new car!

What a happy 3 year old!

Missed you today buddy, but boy are we excited for all your fun times!

Yep, I sure love him - and I know if I have withdrawals now I sure will be in trouble when he moves out for college!!!

My Cute Little Mopper!!!

Isn't this little guy a cute little helper. I was in the kitchen sweeping and turned around to see this little dude had put on his apron all on his own (impressive I know) and had gotten the mop and was eagerly trying to help. Had to document it for future evidence of his happy helping attitude!

Even when I was done he was still wanting to push around the mop!

New TV watching friend!

Multi-tasker!

We love Griffin!

He is getting great at walking, and now can stop and turn and go a different direction, and pushing the mop is pretty funny! A must watch!

First Day of.......

PRE-SCHOOL!!!

Cash has been waiting for this for a long time and was SO excited to go! He got up early and came into our bed and said "Mom, I need to get ready and get dressed for pre-school, and do my hair in spikes with hairspray and product!" (guess he wants to impress the ladies already :)

Anyways, it was pouring rain and only in the 60s so we had to change outfits from what he had originally picked, but we got him all done up, spikes and all, had a great breakfast of eggs and cereal and got ready to head out the door! He was talking the whole time about how he was going to be the nice boy in the class not the mean boy, and that he wasn't going to use any bad words and that he was going to share! (We must go over these things a lot or something, or at least we used to!) We set off and got there a few minutes early! He didn't want to wait so we went in. Upon going in I realized today was only the open house and he wasn't going to be staying! He was so excited and went right to the train table and started playing and didn't want to leave. His teacher seems great and we are all happy that he will have so much fun!

Can't wait for his real first day on Thursday! He wanted me to take pictures of him on his first day and suggested I take a pic with his teacher - definitely my kid as I like to document all these things. My favorite part about him starting school, however, was him getting a father's blessing from Chip last night. We had a little talk about school and blessings and I told him how I used to get a blessing each year from my dad before I started school and how it is so special and exciting and helps us to not be nervous and is from our Heavenly Father and lets us know how much he loves us. Cash sat so still and was beaming during his blessing, and it definitely brought me to tears. He is one special boy and we love him very much, as his Heavenly Father does! I know he will do great this year and enjoy it so much! Can't believe it is actually here. I think I am actually going to miss him during these 3 hours he is away on Tuesdays and Thursdays!

So excited to be leaving!

The big 3 year old pre-schooler!

A spunky picture!

Mrs. McKay is his teacher and she is great. He was a little shy at first meeting her but that wont' last long we know!

I love my little pre-schooler!

The Loss of a Friend!!!

I haven't written anything about this over the past week because every time I have thought about it I have just wished it was all a dream and I would wake up one morning, get on FB, and see my friend Cami online and chat with her about what's going on in our lives. It seems so unreal that she is really gone. Especially since I had talked to her just a few days before she passed. She was such a woman of strength, so full of life, energy, wisdom, and with so many talents. I have so many memories of her and each one makes me smile, because she had a way of doing that to people. You couldn't help but smile when she was around. She was funny, quirky, silly, infectious, and just a super cool gal! I remember the first time we met! I asked her where they moved from and where they went to school - and after establishing she was a Ute fan and I was a BYU fan we decided we could still be friends but would always be rivals and forever cheer for opposing schools! :)

It seems so unfair that she was taken off this earth so young. She was just 30 years old and had 4 young children. On August 29th, 2011 she passed away in her sleep from a brain aneurysm. It makes you wonder sometimes why this type of thing happens to such good people, and why God would leave her family without their mother. I am grateful to have the knowledge from the church that in fact Heavenly Father does know of their situation, and that more he loves them so much and has a plan for them and also a plan for her and that she was so special he must need her back for more important things than she was even doing here. She left her footprint on everything she was involved in, and I hope to never forget any of the lessons I learned from her or the service she gave and the example she was to others. Yesterday as I was playing the piano in primary my eyes welled up with tears as I thought of the primary in our Mountain Island ward down in NC that will be missing her this day and lost their chorister. She substituted a few times while I was the pianist down there before she got the calling and she was magnificent. For some reason, yesterday while I was playing it really hit me that it is real and she won't be coming back. I love you Cami Southwick, and I am so grateful for the lessons you taught me and the friend that you were! I can't wait to see you someday and give you a big hug in heaven!

I love that you taught me to make grilled salad and how every time I make it I think of you.

I love how you taught me how to make all sorts of other yummy foods and how each time you invited us to dinner it was like we were at a big huge feast! You are an amazing cook!!!

I love how you always were so sweet to me when I was sick and pregnant and invited me over to just lay on your bed and watch Greys Anatomy with you and you would cook if I wanted anything, or just let me lay there and do absolutely nothing but kept me company and took my mind off the constant nausea.

I love that you got me hooked on Biggest Loser and that you were a reality TV junkie like me and would always talk shows!

I love that you had SO MUCH ENERGY with everything you did and your loud, boisterous, and infectious laugh and personality! You were a party girl and knew how to have a fun time with everything!

I love how you were such a great example of a mom to me and showed me every time I was with you how to teach with love and patience and kindness.

I loved coming to Shaylie's birthday party and seeing all the work and time and fun you put into it!

I love how kind you were and how you gave me ALL your baby stuff and boy stuff because you said you were done having babies and you just wanted it out! (and then you had cute little logan not that much later!)

I love that you were always so willing to help anyone and everyone and although you didn't feel good a LOT of the time you always made time for others and really opened your house to anyone and made others feel special.

I loved Loved LOVED the conversations that we have been able to have the past couple years over FB even when we didn't live close, and just how we could always talk about anything!

I loved how much you were so in love with Ryan and he with you and watching such a special marriage and the example that was to all around you!

I love that we had Thanksgiving with you guys and were able to make so many other memories together with your family.

I love that I got to call myself your home teacher and that I could come with Chip so many times and be a part of your family in that way and share so many memories from that. I love that you weren't afraid to say things and the funny memories I have of all the hilarious conversations we had.

I love that we have the memory of the picture above of dressing up for the Emmy's together for our RS dinner and going over with you. You wanted me to do your makeup cuz you said you never put much on - but you certainly didn't need much because you were beautiful and your eyes sparkled without any goop being put on your face. We had so much fun laughing as we got ready, and got into our outfits. You had the best outfit ever finding that sparkly pink hairspray outfit and then using my hat and it was one of my all time favorite memories of you!!! That night I will always treasure! We laughed and laughed before we even got over to the church, and it was just the two of us acting like 12 year old and it was so fun!

I love your testimony and how you always did what was right and set an example to so many of us and just had your heart on your sleeve and were so happy!

I love you, and you will be so missed here on earth!

You are an amazing woman and friend! Love you Cami!!!