My Post-Partum Depression

I never planned on writing about this.

Actually, before this past year I never even thought this was such a real thing or really even gave it a second thought. I didn't have it with Cash, I never ever thought about it or worried about it being an issue with Griffin. In fact, I really never understood what it even was.

Then I had Griffin.

In a foreign Country.

Alone.

And things ALL changed.

At first I was fine, just figuring out my life with 2 boys, figuring out how to do the basic necessities in life such as grocery shop, travel, even just go outside with 2 boys to cart along instead of one. Just the normal changes that every mom goes through when adding another kid to the family. I was happy, things were good, the baby was good, and I was adjusting pretty well I thought for the first few months.

Little things bothered me or caused stress and I just passed them off as normal and kept telling myself it was the unknown date of moving back to the US, this or that, or the next thing. I didn't ever even consider the thought that anything else could be the problem.

Then, after we came back to the US, had our great stop through Utah, and then made our way back to VA things got a lot worse. I would find myself still making excuses - we just moved across the world, we left family and now I am once again alone across the country, my husband is working insane hours and we only see each other for less than 30 minutes in the morning (or not at all for 2 weeks while he is in China) and so I am more stressed cuz I never have a break, I am away from family for the holidays and that is a bummer, I am tired because Griffin is not adjusting well to American time and still wants to be on China time - 12 hours ahead! And the list goes ON and ON and ON!!!

I thought our trip for Christmas would fix things, and yet when we got back I felt even worse. Things just got so bad I finally hit what I felt was rock bottom. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, didn't ever want to leave the house, had NO motivation for exercising or eating healthy, didn't want to have friends over or host parties (which as all my friends out here know I normally can't even go 5 hours without having stuff planned or events to host!). I lost all desire to do anything with my days and as a result was just wasting away the days watching the drone of the TV, letting the house stay messy, staying in my pjs all day, and getting into what I considered a WORSE and WORSE FUNK!!! I gained all the weight back plus more from when I was pregnant (which made me feel even worse about myself), and just was miserable. I would find myself crying for no reason many a times per day.

I found myself blowing up at little things my boys would do, and then feeling SO AWFUL right after like I was the worst mom ever and feeling so guilty for how angry I had gotten and how terrible I had been to my kids! (I never ever hurt them for those wondering). I just would feel myself losing it and screaming at them and then instantly crying and apologizing and I made what I thought was a realization that I was the worst mom on the planet. I blamed myself for everything, started wondering why my husband even wanted to be married to me because I didn't even like myself, and just found the days to be very long and harder and harder. I kept wondering when I was going to get out of the funk, and yet each day seemed to get worse! I also developed SEVERY ANXIETY in this time where I would worry that Cash was going to wake up throwing up in the night with the flu bug! This probably sounds crazy to everyone that this was my fear, but yet I couldn't go to sleep at night because I was dwelling so much on the fact that he was going to get sick and wake up barfing and I was just sure of this. This went on for the entire month of December and also part of January. It was awful, and totally unnecessary because never did he once display symptoms of having this and it never happened....and yet I couldn't get myself to stop worrying over it. I would dwell on it when I was in the car, think about it whenever we went anywhere, worry about it during naps, and just became so full of anxiety that it consumed my whole being. I literally was a stress case and although I would rationalize and say that even if he did get it it wasn't the end of the world, I would clean it up and move on, for some reason I couldn't get over it. It was horrible.

Finally, when I lost desire for a few other things that are so totally not me (and no family, it wasn't a loss of appetite for icecream - that I could still always eat) I realized that there was a big problem. I wanted my old life back, and I felt like everything good was slipping out of it. I didn't want to die, but I really didn't care to live either, and I wasn't enjoying anything in life. I had so many good things in my life and blessings so I just couldn't figure out why I felt so bad. I just wanted it to all go away and be back to my "normal" self. I was talking to a friend one day about it and she mentioned that she thought I might have post-partum depression and asked if I had seen my Dr. about it. I hadn't, and didn't really want to, but after thinking about her words of advice thought maybe it was a good idea and maybe I should go. At this point I would do anything to change my life.

Anyhow, to make a long story short the Dr. did think I had it and after listening to me cry to her about everything that had happened and was going on and discussing all the different solutions she gave me a prescription for a medicine she said would help. She gave me the lowest dose possible and enough for 1 month and then told me I needed to come back to see how it would work. She said my hormones with everything going on were very out of wack and that this should help and she thought I would see a huge change, and if not and if I needed a stronger dose we could visit that in 2 weeks also. Anyways, I set out hoping that this would change me life!

It DID!!! It completely changed and helped me!

I took the medicine for 3 weeks and then felt I was back to myself and was doing so much better and so just went off it then. It was faster than I had expected, and I am so much happier now. The only thing I regretted was not going to see the Dr. sooner so that it could have been fixed, instead of waiting and enduring that awful time for 4 extra months. I now understand what people are talking about when they say they have post-partum depression, and it is such a real thing and such an awful thing. I am truly sorry for all those out there who suffer through it thinking they are alone or that it is normal or that there is no end or fix to it. I know some are worse cases then mine, some take more than just a little pill for 3 weeks, but I also know it can be fixed and that getting help changed my life IMMENSELY and I never want to re-visit that time again. Each case is different - I never ever wanted to hurt little Griffin, or didn't want him, or wanted to hurt myself or anything like that...but I did feel awful and guilty and hated myself and who I thought I was becoming.

I am grateful for the friend who recommended me to see a Dr. and see if it might be something I was struggling with, who told me about her experiences with it, and who shared with me in such a way that I was able to overcome it quickly and move on with my life. I write it down today because I have so many friends who are having babies, experiencing hard things right now, and I want anyone who might be struggling with this to know it is ok to get help. To understand it is a real thing and that it is normal and that it can be fixed. It might not be as quick for everyone, and there are other solutions out there to help, but it is real. And it is ok to ask for help.

I know I didn't have it as bad as some, and yet for me it was an all-time low and was a very difficult thing to accept and to get through. I am grateful that I feel so much better and I hope that if any of you friends out there are struggling with it that you know you can come to me, or that there is help available. I am soooooooo glad I got the help and can now move on.

Anyone who has been through it knows it is a real thing and it is hard.

But hey - we are women, and we can do hard things!

I know I am stronger now because of it!

On a side note, I love being a mom of 2 of the cutest little boys you could find - they make me so happy and when I am away from them for even just 2 hours I find myself missing them and excited to get home to give them hugs and kisses. I wouldn't trade my job in for anything, despite the hard days. Life here is good and I have lots to be thankful for!

Have a great day!